the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
