Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
