look no pants
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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