so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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