I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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