Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
