i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
