I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
