hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You're like the curious george of whores
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
