after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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