I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
