i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
