I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
