can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
