I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
