you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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