apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
