Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
