The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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