Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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