I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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