me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
