P.S. I can't hear my feet
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
