I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
