There was a lot of him and a little penis
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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