textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
