Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize