3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
