I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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