my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
