you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
