Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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