I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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