dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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