Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
