Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
