a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i think i just lost a toe
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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