The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
