im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
