We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
