So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
