I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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