My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
