There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
