I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
