Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
