I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
