found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
