Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
