I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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