No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
