i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
