Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
