Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
